I don’t know how to break this to you but Idaho is the only state in the Union that has legalized cannibalism. I don’t know — it just has.

Now before you go all Donner Party Picnic on me, let me explain a few things. To arrive at this moment, I was pondering on the government. Have any of you ever been frustrated by similarly strange laws or impediments imposed by some nefarious government agency? Don’t laws sometimes feel a bit arbitrary or hatched up just to impede your personal progress?

Irritation with your government can cause unstable anxiety. So, to restore some of your fragile mental health, let’s talk about some particularly healthy, happy governmental policies. Here are just three to make your day brighter.

We have a state agency called the Idaho Petroleum Storage Tank Fund. A bit obscure, I know, but listen to what they do. If you own a gas station and have an underground tank, this fund will insure you against any kind of leak or spill. What would you guess the yearly cost for this almost unlimited insurance? Twenty-five dollars a year. (There is a modest deductible.) Plus, they also arrive periodically and inspect your tanks for free to make sure nothing is beginning to go awry. This program is unbelievably well funded and the envy of every other state. It is a savings to every citizen because of the decreased burden on the tank owner. If you purchase gas in Idaho, it is cheaper because of this fund.

Even more obscure, but also beneficial to us all, is the “Stray Voltage” initiative. In conjunction with the Public Utilities Commission, Idaho Power does an in-depth electrical inspection of dairies, at the dairy owner’s request. This difficult and comprehensive inspection is free. With so many electrical wires going in every direction on a dairy, sometimes there occurs some voltage leakage through the ground.

This makes the cows unhappy and uncomfortable. Sort of like you getting new carpet and every time you touch your door knob you get shocked. It’s not pleasant for the cows either. Probably causes their udders to shrink right up. Maybe if we upped the voltage, milk could be the new “energy” drink. You city slickers may not know this, but cows stand on four legs and consequently have four points of grounding and are usually standing in a rather moist environment. All the more reason for Idaho Power to freely improve their lives.

The Department of Environmental Quality, sometimes known for its overzealous concern for your quality of life, actually offers a significant but free service. They will test your water for nitrogen. People drinking from wells or springs should absolutely test their water periodically. Just put a little water in a bottle and take it to your local DEQ office. They will check it on the spot. Kind of like going in for a doctors physical only this time for the specimen you just have to turn on the tap. Having nitrogen in your water can be rather dangerous. Symptoms include dizziness, confusion and the tendency to lean rather left in your political thinking. No one wants to see anyone suffer like that.

The only person ever prosecuted for cannibalism in the United States was named Alferd Packer. He was from Colorado and ate five of his friends. I love the fact that on the University of Colorado campus they named the cafeteria the Alferd Packer Restaurant and Grill.

Legend has it that at his sentencing, the judge, Melville B. Gerry, said, “Stand up, you voracious, man-eating son of a bitch, stand up. There was seven Democrats in Hinsdale County and you up and ate five of ‘em. Damn you, I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until dead dead, dead, as a warning against reducing the Democratic population of our state. Packer, you Republican cannibal, I would sentence you to hell but the statutes forbid it.” Packer was later acquitted, set free and died of old age.

The actual statute in Idaho law is 18-5003 (2), which says, “It shall be an affirmative defense to a violation of the provisions of this section (cannibalism) that the action was taken under extreme life-threatening conditions as the only apparent means of survival.” Thus a legal and legitimate defense for the crime of cannibalism. This gives a whole new queasy, unsettling feeling at the invitation from your neighbor to “come on over for a barbecue.”

This column was written by state Rep. Randy Armstrong, R-Inkom.