I’m sure that many of you married guys out there have lived through an endless string of your wife’s diet shifts like I have over the years. I know that I have managed to survive my share of “no this” and “no that” diets. But I believe that this latest swing in her food philosophy must have a name like “the everything but real food is what’s for dinner” diet.

I admit that when it comes to the food that I consume I have to entirely place trust in my wife. I never complain about the food served at the dinner table because I know that if I do she will say, “You want to do the grocery shopping?” And that shuts me up real fast.

Besides, I’ve never really had reason to complain. She is an excellent cook. I’m amazed by how quickly she can whip up a delicious meal. In fact, she can cook and serve up an entire well-balanced dinner plus yummy dessert in about the same time it takes me to finish reading the instructions on the instant mashed potatoes package.

Years ago, when she dabbled in a pasta diet, I was in hog heaven. Heck, I can eat spaghetti until my wrist gives out from all the fork twirling. If my wife had to leave home for a week she would make a delicious pan of lasagna and I would eat it every day, and on the seventh day it would taste even better than it did on the first — amazing!

Then there was the diet consisting of only salads for dinner. Which I had no problem with as long as my bowl of salad included a cut-up steak or half a roasted chicken. Throw in a few slices of garlic cheese bread and a big slice of German chocolate cake and not only did I survive that phase with flying colors but I may be the only person to actually gain weight on an all-salad diet.

Of course, one staple that shows up in a lot of healthy diets is fish. So years ago when my wife suggested that we eat more fish and vegetables, my response was “Bring it on.”

Salmon I love. On the other hand, when it comes to critters that live in water, there are certain things that I’m convinced the good Lord never intended for humans to eat. For example, what some people label as “seafood” I’m pretty sure God intended to be used strictly as cute, entertaining characters in Disney animated movies, for example creatures that walk funny like crabs.

Personally, I think that anyone who looks at a lobster or crayfish and thinks, “Yum, take away its claws, antennae, mandibles, and other oral appendages, and we’ve got ourselves a feast!” should have his behavior closely monitored by a shrink for some time.

That snails and clams were not meant to be eaten by humans is a no-brainer. Does a word like “crustacean” or “bivalve mollusk” sound appetizing to you? And most folks I talk to do not even know what a scallop is, yet they will eat them by the bucketful.

Also there is no doubt in my mind that if God had suspected humans would become so misguided as to actually consume oysters he would have deleted them from his “Things to create today” list.

Just look at directions on the proper way to eat one: “Take your tiny fork and sort of move the oyster around in its liquid-filled half shell to make sure it’s detached. Then put down your fork, pick up the shell, and slurp down the oyster from the wide end. Chew the fish one or twice before you swallow it.” Yuck! Sounds more like a scene in a horror movie to me.

Anyway, none of that matters in my wife’s current diet philosophy because all of those are animals and, thus, no longer qualify as “food.” Plants in an endless array of forms, on the other hand, now make up the main course for all three meals per day. And I must admit that this latest endeavor at healthy eating is pushing me to the edge.

First of all, beans have replaced meat. I honestly never realized so many types of beans existed. Green beans and navy beans were all I ever heard of when I was a kid. Oh, and coffee beans. So you can imagine my confusion when my wife offered me a soy bean hot dog.

And I get sort of nauseous even thinking about mushrooms as food. I always thought that a “fungal growth” called for an appointment with the dermatologist rather than something you fry in a pan on the kitchen stove — for breakfast!

Even though I have managed to survive this latest plant-based diet so far, I nearly made a disastrous mistake last week when my wife and I were strolling through the Idaho State Fairgrounds.

Just as we were about to enter the barn displaying the 4-H kids’ rabbits, I suggested we go get something cold to drink instead — last thing I needed was for her to observe what the rabbits were eating and get some new ideas for recipes.

Mike Murphy of Pocatello is an award-winning columnist whose articles are syndicated by Senior Wire. He recently published a book titled “Tortoise Crossing — Expect Long Delays,” which is a collection of 100 of his favorite columns. It is available on Amazon.com.