I believe that individuals can engage in negative forms of communication for so long that they begin to mistake their arguments for conversation. Conflict becomes the norm. This most certainly happens in relationships such as marriages and families, but I believe that it also happens in community.

Prolonged periods of conflict can lead to serious mental health struggles. Stress during an argument activates the part of the brain that releases higher levels of a hormone called cortisol which induces more stress. Prolonged stress like this will trigger anxiety and depression. Prolonged stress increases risk of alcohol abuse or other substance abuses. Prolonged stress affects physical health, including your heart, weight, sleep patterns and more. My hope in this article is to empower us as individuals and a community to recognize when conflict has become a norm and reject that norm as acceptable. Only then can we find a better alternative.

Have you ever found yourself sitting at a stoplight alone rehearsing an argument you wish you’d handled differently or one you anticipate having? Do you have relationships with people who, if the controversial topic you always “discussed” was removed, you would have nothing in common with? If you review most of your social media activity, how much of it involves conflict?

These are the kinds of self-reflecting questions that might uncover a pervasive presence of conflict in one’s life. One possibility is that an individual has developed what I wrote about recently: negative scripts or relational patterns that involve conflict. In this case, self-awareness and intentional reprogramming of one’s interactions will help. However, in recovery circles for example, conflict addiction is considered a serious condition that requires immediate help to avoid harm.

It’s true that not all conflict is bad and leads to unhealthy outcomes. The manager who has to intervene with an underperforming employee can inspire change and growth. The parent who has a tough conversation with their teenager can reinforce healthy boundaries and wise decision making. The informed citizen who seeks to engage in public policy making can bring about positive change. This kind of conflict is a necessary part of growth and human interactions. That’s not the kind of conflict I am describing here. I’m addressing prolonged and habitual acceptance of conflict as a normal mode of communication. If the only way you can think of to be persuasive is to create a conflict to get your way, toxic conflict has likely become a problem for you.

Here again are the steps to healing. Recognize when conflict has become part of a routine or obsession, a “norm.” Understand the negative effects of conflict. Reject conflict as an acceptable norm. Find a better alternative. If you’ve read this far and think this may be relevant to you or someone you know, let’s explore the steps to healing in more depth.

Once someone has identified conflict as a norm, change requires a decision that the norm, or status quo, has become undesirable. I tell students all the time that “things never get better until someone decides to stop making them worse.” Remember, living with unresolved conflict as a normal part of your daily interactions will negatively affect your mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. In order for change to occur, someone has to decide to stop using toxic conflict as a first strategy to get their way.

Here’s the next and perhaps more challenging step. Reject this kind of conflict as acceptable. That will likely be a significant challenge once you have adopted conflict as your status quo mode of interaction, but it’s necessary. Acknowledge that toxic conflict is not the first or most effective way for you to be persuasive. Acknowledge that toxic conflict is unacceptable behavior for healthy and balanced individuals. It is not appropriate, acceptable, effective or sustainable. There is another way. There is a better way.

So what is a better alternative? In many ways, exploring better alternatives to conflict depends on the situation. Interacting at Sunday dinner with your uncle who has different political views than you requires a different strategy than seeking policy change at a city council meeting. But there are basic principles that can be applied to various situations. Here are a few.

Determine to become a great listener. It is almost never the case that someone will listen well to you if you aren’t willing to listen to them. Is every word they’re saying wrong? Fine. But until you listen and reflect understanding, most people won’t give you the privilege of their attention in return.

Develop empathy. Try and understand why a person thinks what they do, or feels the way they feel. If you can empathize with someone’s position, you will become a more genuine communicator and be more successful. In empathetic listening you will likely learn something that will inform your original position.

Be humble and be clear. “Uncle Jim, you and I disagree on politics, but I love our family’s Sunday dinners. Can we not talk politics and just enjoy what we do agree on: Grandma’s fried chicken.” Or to your manager: “Bob, you know I struggle with some company policies. When it’s convenient can I be a part of a constructive conversation that evaluates how we do things?” To your spouse: “Mary, I wish that we could have less conflict over how we spend money. Could we work together on a budget that reflects both of our priorities?” On politics: “I have strong feelings about this topic, but I want to be reasonable and find a way to navigate the system and find a solution that works while protecting the community’s peace and dignity.”

When we choose healthy communication over constant conflict, we become healthier individuals and our communities are better places to live. You likely didn’t set out to let conflict become your default setting, it’s just an unhealthy pattern that you fell into. The main idea is that once you recognize that conflict has a hold on your life, you can choose to escape it. Replacing negative conflict with healthy communication will take work and likely not happen immediately, but you’ll be glad you made the choice. Your family, friends and community will be glad, too!

Dr. David Walker is a local school counselor and graduate student in the master’s in social work program at Idaho State University. He lives in Pocatello with his wife and three children.