What a year 2013 was! Southerners found themselves in the spotlight quite often. Most recently Phil Robertson, star of the phony reality television show “Duck Dynasty,” got briefly suspended from the show for claiming that bestiality is a sin.

According to the dictionary “bestiality is brutish or beastly behavior.” You know, like the time Phil kicked his wife and children out of the house. Or it is defined as “indulgence in beastlike appetites.” You know, like Phil using his college degree to outsmart, kill, and eat dumb birds, albeit a degree from a Southern university, where young men squeeze in an occasional class between football practices.

Personally, I see the popularity of this TV show as much more of a threat to American society than same-sex marriage. At least in a same-sex marriage the couple could not produce a child who might turn out like, say, Phil Robertson. I’m pretty sure that I could have a more intelligent conversation with Daffy Duck than with Phil.

Back in June, Paula Deen, star of a Georgia cooking show featuring possum belly stew and hog jowl sausage recipes, got canned for racist comments and sexual harassment charges. Such a big squawk over a Southern icon just being, you know, Southern.

Another Southerner, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, made an effort in 2013 to become more social media savvy when he proudly claimed, “You can always follow me on Tweeter.”

Last but certainly not least of the Southern headline grabbers this past year is the human wrecking ball Miley Cyrus, born in Nashville. Miley appears to be the antithesis of Phil Robertson. Miley is 21 and single while young Phil hooked up with a 14-year-old girl, which would be a crime anywhere outside of Arkansas. Miley has neatly trimmed hair and impeccable makeup while Phil appears like he just crawled out of a cave after hibernating all winter with Yogi and Boo-Boo. She sings, dances, and plays guitar, piano, etc., earning millions, while Phil sits around saying stupid things and blowing on duck calls, earning millions.

Some non-Southerners also made news in 2013. The Kardashians seemed to pop up on the Web daily although, try as I might, I could not discover what exactly they did to deserve such publicity other than simply being the Kardashians!

One thing is for sure, during the year no one got Kim Kardashian mixed up with Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea, whom I’m pretty sure she could beat the crap out of if they ever came face to face, which could only happen if she got down on her knees. He was recently in the news for having his Uncle Jang executed because he beat his nephew in a game of H.O.R.S.E. Kim Jong-un loves basketball and has a great fear of Americans because he thinks they all look like Dennis Rodman. Finally, it was reported that the North Korean people were starving since their leader was storing this year’s entire harvest inside his humongous head.

Russia was a hot topic in athletics since it will host the 2014 Winter Olympics. All should go smoothly despite the fact that Sochi has a humid subtropical climate with no snow other than Edward Snowden, terrorists have vowed to tie the ice skaters’ laces together and Pussy Riot plans to enter as a lesbian bobsled team.

Another big story was the signup problems on the Affordable Care Act website. The entire system became jammed due to thousands of tweets sent by Justin Bieber. He really didn’t need insurance, just wanted to share his deep thoughts with his fans such as “got drunk, fell off skateboard, wrote song about it” and “lots of luv to all my little beliebers.”

While Miley was the most searched subject on the Internet in 2013, Justin was a close second. I contend, as I have before, that is due to the fact that they are actually the same person. Granted, he has longer hair, a shorter tongue, and looks better in a tank top, but that’s where the differences end.

Legalization of marijuana in a number of states was a big 2013 story. Word is that soon joining the iPad and the iPod is a new electronic device called the iPot, which will enable its owner to light up and smoke a virtual joint anywhere with Wi-Fi.

Finally, it was a close race, but in the end (pun alert), “twerk” lost out to “selfie” as the Word of the Year. Unfortunately (or fortunately) as of now, no one has quite figured out how to combine the two and send a “selfie twerk” without dislocating a shoulder.

About the author

Mike Murphy of Pocatello retired after a 35-year teaching and coaching career and hopes to win the lottery so he can afford to buy gas and take a trip in his recently paid off ’94 Dodge van.