I was playing basketball with my son and son-in-law a few months ago at the university gym when I had an eye opening experience. After a pickup game, my son got a drink in the hall and came back to the gym chuckling. He said there were some guys watching our game from the window and they asked if the team with the old guy won. When my son answered yes, the guys who had been watching were pleased, as they said they were rooting for the old guy to win.

When my son told me this had happened, I started looking around for the old guy. Seriously. Then it hit me. “I’m the old guy!?”

When did THAT happen!? I don’t feel like the old guy! In my own head I’m not the old guy. But it dawned on me that I was at least 20 years older than all the other guys on the court! This jarring reality felt ridiculous but also unarguably reasonable. Hey, at least I won the game!

That’s a lighthearted example, but there is an undeniable reality that inevitably dawns on us that we are getting older. That reality can, and often does trigger something of a midlife struggle.

Sometimes this reality triggers an uncomfortable mental adjustment. Sometimes it triggers turmoil that feels like an emotional crisis. These struggles can last days, weeks, or months.

How do you know you’re having a midlife crisis? While there’s no “one size fits all” criteria, there are common themes.

It’s often triggered by an unexpected event. A comment at a sporting event. A family milestone. The loss of a job, or difficulty finding a new one. The death of a parent, end of a marriage, or struggles with an empty nest. These are all common midlife triggers. Maybe it’s as simple as math, or timing, but in our early forties it pays to be aware of these dangers.

A midlife crisis exposes the weakness in what we have been living for, what we have been seeking security in, or where we have tried to find meaning and purpose. A midlife crisis is a crisis of the heart.

There are also themes in how we struggle. Midlife crisis is often associated with a lack of joy in things we were once interested in. We often question aspects of our identity we used to feel confident in. Where we once saw hope we now see disappointment. There is temptation to withdraw from relationships. And while you appreciate people checking in, you also resent the fact that you can’t really explain why you feel the way you do. It begins to feel impossible to shake this constant feeling of disappointment.

But there is hope. A midlife crisis or struggle does not last forever. I am always an advocate for a holistic approach to health. While I believe counseling is a key aspect of well-being, I equally believe a visit to your doctor is in order if you feel this way. Just as depression comes at you from many fronts, so can help.

It may take weeks or months for you to feel better, and for your outlook to adjust, but this will not last forever. This is a time for you to open your heart to positive input. This midlife struggle is about the lostness you feel in life, and we get “unlost” by seeking direction. It’s a time to think about your story, and understand that while you are in a new chapter, your story is not over.

Midlife crisis is also often a crisis constructed by faulty assumptions about your ability to control things. Faced with the reality that things we didn’t want to change have changed, we feel angered, or cheated. We are disillusioned by the fact that dreams we cherished have been unfulfilled. Things haven’t worked how we hoped or expected them to. Resolving this crisis requires a healthier perspective on control. Learn to influence the smaller daily interactions, finding joy in what and who you have in the moment. Discover a deeper faith, embrace a new role, find meaning in what you can give not what you expect to receive. Redefine achievement to involve legacy rather than notoriety. Dream a new dream.

A profound feeling of lostness is resolved by a profound search for meaning. For many individuals this is a time to discover the deep benefits of spirituality and prayer. Ask yourself what makes your life worthwhile, and invest in that. Meditate on how the assumptions you have been relying on to make sense of your life have failed you. Age brings wisdom when we reflect carefully on the changes life brings. Learn, grow, regroup, and work your way through the challenges back onto life’s path, even if it looks different than you thought it would. It can still be wonderful.