Here’s a word you don’t hear very often, but you might relate to in a big way. The word is “malaise.” Malaise is an unfamiliar word with a familiar feeling. It’s defined as a general feeling of discomfort, unease, or a sense of not being well. I would argue that the holidays are a season when we are particularly vulnerable to experiencing a malaise.

One of the reasons this is true is that popular culture portrays the holidays as a time of uninterrupted joy. Holiday ads feature happy families engaged in picturesque settings, enjoying sparkling drinks on sleigh rides, or exclaiming over a new car with a big red bow parked in a snowy driveway. It’s hard not to contrast those snapshots with your own life when you watch the ad sitting on your couch listening to the kids scream down the hall and trying to decide if you want to go see what’s causing the commotion, stop the dog from chewing the bottom branch off of your (yet to be decorated) Christmas tree, or ignore it all and warm yourself up a corn dog in the microwave.

I don’t know if it’s the commercials and Hallmark movies or if it’s all that peppermint bark I got on sale at Walgreens, but every year I’m inclined to believe that the Miracle on 34th Street will become the miracle on my street. It’s not a dream I’m willing to give up. But I suspect that while we all wait for our miracle holiday magic, what we wrestle with is a malaise that gets worse during the holidays.

It should come as no surprise that the holidays are a season when we are especially vulnerable to struggle with our mental wellbeing. There are lots of reasons this may be true. I really do believe that there is a general sense of disappointment that can come with measuring our own experiences against everyone else’s highlight reel on social media, or the magic of the big screen taunting us from the TV stand. But there are other reasons. Many of us struggle with frustration over not being able to get as many gifts as we wish we could for our loved ones. And inevitably every year I bump into that lady who tells me she’s been buying Christmas presents since June and tucking them away. I both admire her and hope she finds that a squirrel has gotten into her stash of gifts. It just makes me feel more inadequate. Just kidding. Good for her (he said through a forced smile.)

It could be that the holidays are hard for you because you miss loved ones who aren’t with you any longer. Perhaps you mourn happier days in happier settings that feel lost to the past. Maybe you’ve lost too many holidays to whisky or wine, and you’re determined that this year will be different.

In any case, as this holiday season comes into full swing, I’d love to offer some positive thoughts for shaking off the malaise.

Missing loved ones is a particularly challenging obstacle for many people at this time of year. I find in my own life the temptation to dread the pain that inevitably washes over me when I miss Christmas with my parents. They passed away years ago but every Christmas the grief feels fresh. One approach to counter this is to get proactive. I know one lady who lost a son when he was a teenager. Each Christmas she “adopts” a teenage boy who could use some extra kindness, and she gives gifts to him in honor of her boy. In her words, it’s like getting to shop for her son and it brings her peace and joy.

I also believe that setting realistic expectations is key. While I hope that all the kids make it home for Christmas, they may not. But that doesn’t mean that the ones who did come shouldn’t get the most joyful version of you. I hope that your Christmas ham, pecan pie, figgy pudding, or whatever it is you cook for the big dinner turns out perfect. But even if it doesn’t, you can still enjoy the time with the people you love gathered around the table. If stressing over whether the kids will break grandma’s fine china is ruining your family get together, the grocery store has some really festive paper plates that will be just great until the kids are a little older. In place of lots of expensive gifts, write thoughtful letters, bake your friends something special, or hand make them an ornament for their tree. Something personal is always special.

The holidays are often a time when our schedules get interrupted. It’s nice to get a few days off of work. And problems that arise around the 15th of December start looking like things that need to be solved on Jan 2nd. Regardless of how your normal rhythm of life and work gets turned upside down during the holidays, I encourage you to keep as much of a routine as possible. Stick to a regular sleep routine and make sure you get plenty of rest, but don’t stay in bed all day. Whether you eat an extra piece of pie or not, try and stay physically active. Take walks. Set a goal of a certain number of steps you want to take each day. Even if you haven’t been active, start now trying to get 5000 steps a day as a starting point. If you need to talk with your doctor to craft a healthy exercise plan, make an appointment now. Your physical wellbeing and mental wellbeing are intricately connected.

If your holiday malaise starts to feel more like a holiday depression, never hesitate to reach out and ask for help. Schedule an appointment with a counselor, doctor, pastor, or a trusted friend and be honest with someone that you are struggling. You may feel like the holidays are about selflessness and making time for self care feels selfish. But the truth is that investing in your mental and physical health during the holidays will not only shake off the malaise, but pave the way for you and your loved ones to have a healthy time of celebration. Shoot, you might even find yourself sipping something sparkly on a sleigh ride. Happy Holidays!