I can remember years ago having a conversation with a parent about a child’s behavior in school and watching the mom’s face melt into discouragement as she heard about some of the choices her child had made that prompted the conversation. I discovered that the child was not only acting out at school, but was challenging boundaries at home as well. Mom felt isolated and defensive. Her husband didn’t have interest in finding positive solutions and her impression of the school was that we only told her about the negative behaviors her child exhibited. As parents we see the good in our children even when it’s outweighed by the difficulties. As parents, we can be upset by our child’s poor choices but it does not change the fact that when we look at them, we love them. Parents understand that negative choices bring about negative consequences, and while we can agree that the negative consequences are appropriate, our hearts hurt to see our children endure them.

Parents want to believe the best in their children. Often they choose to believe a version of the facts that paints their child in a better light because they desperately want that version to be true. Sometimes we believe because we hope the better version is true, and sometimes we choose to believe that better version because emotionally, we need to believe it. There are times when a parent gets so much bad news about their child that they choose to believe the child’s “side” or “excuses” even if they have doubts, because it preserves their parent’s heart for a little while longer.

I don’t believe that there are good kids and bad kids. I believe there are kids who often make good choices and kids who often make poor choices. I believe there are kids who have more supportive resources, and kids who have less supportive resources — or none. I believe there are kids who have been taught skills for emotional regulation and coping, and kids who have not learned those skills. I believe that there are kids who, for whatever reason, don’t catch the breaks that others do. If your child struggles in any of those categories, you know that it can feel discouraging. It’s discouraging for the child, and discouraging for the parent.

So how do we survive these seasons of discouragement in parenting? I think the first key is to remember that it is indeed only a season. We all know that when we are tired, and feel like we can’t catch a break that everything seems hard, and perhaps worse than it really is. This season of discouragement and hardship will not last forever. Just because today is hard, doesn’t mean it always will be.

Next, hear me say that no matter how isolated and unsupported you feel, you are not alone. This is especially true when your child is in school. Now you may be in a pattern where your child is making poor choices and the emails or phone calls from school are about negative topics. But that doesn’t mean the school is against you or your child. There is a team of individuals at that school who are working and collaborating on how to support and move your child towards success. That team is especially active if your child is especially struggling. I encourage you to call the school and ask how you can speak to a counselor or leader who will offer you support about how to work together for your child’s success.

Sometimes you need to redefine expectations and success so that you can find some wins to celebrate. Think of some goals that are achievable. If your child is struggling and you are discouraged, you need some easy wins. Set some easy and achievable goals for yourself and your child that you know you can accomplish. With each win you’ll build momentum. Momentum and encouragement is like a bank account. Build up enough and you won’t notice too much when you lose a little. If you’re living with very little encouragement, your bank account is in danger of going into the negative. Every little loss of momentum robs you of encouragement and creates the feeling of a crisis. Build up your bank account with easy wins.

The principles discussed here are true, by the way, if your child is 5 or 35. Parents don’t stop loving their children and hurting when they hurt, even when their kids become adults. In fact it may be harder when your kid becomes an adult. When they’re children at home you can control your family’s world a little easier. Parenting through discouragement is harder when you have a teenager who is resistant to guidance and redirection. But in all of these seasons it is important to remember that seasons come and go. Hard times can feel like they’ll never end, but they do.

No matter how discouraged you may be, remind yourself how much you love your child. Remind your child how much they are loved. Tell yourself and tell them that it will get better. Talk about what better days might look like and kindle the hope that those days are coming. Look for the positives and celebrate everything you can. Pray. Discouragement feels so hard, there is something more powerful. Hope.