We may hear the term “empathy” a lot nowadays, but I believe the real meaning is frequently misunderstood. We need empathy in the world today more than ever, but if it is conveyed in the wrong way, it can feel invalidating and create disconnection.
Empathy is often displayed more as sympathy or feeling sorry for someone, which can feel superficial to the recipient. While they are both ways of responding to the suffering of people around us, sympathy does not require the deep emotional connection that empathy does. Sympathy does not require us to feel others’ emotions but to acknowledge them and understand them from our own perspective.
True empathy is an active attempt to connect with another person, and it is more about listening and believing than understanding experiences. We can’t possibly really understand others’ experiences because we can’t literally walk in someone else’s shoes. Even if we could, we would have to walk in someone’s shoes for their entire life because every experience we have, as well as temperament and personality traits, all affect how we perceive and respond to things.
In expressing true empathy, what we need is to believe a person’s perspective and connect to their pain. We must listen to their story without judgment and without expecting it to match our own experiences. We accept any differences in perspective and don’t attempt to problem-solve or fix anything. Even if we would handle or respond to the exact same experience in a completely different way, we need to validate their struggles and make sure they feel safe and heard.
One reason true empathy can be so hard is that it requires us to open up emotionally and be vulnerable; we must be in touch with our own weaknesses, hurts, and fears. When we connect through this common humanity, we can effectively help someone else feel genuinely supported and less alone.
Empathy is a choice — a brave choice that fuels connection and has the power to heal. Whether given or received, it can make each of us become a better, stronger, and more empowered person.