Mike Murphy

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Just when you think that the month of July can’t possibly get any fuller of hot air, this year the annual Fourth of July shindig in D.C. will now be called “President Donald Trump’s Independence Day Celebration” according to The National Park Service.

Kaboom! Let the fun begin. Let’s face it, wherever Trump shows up the level of enthusiasm skyrockets higher than a Badassical Blast aerial shell.

Take his recent Orlando campaign rally for example. Joining in on the fervor were such fun-loving patriotic groups as QAnon conspiracy theorists, Infowars fans, Bikers for Trump, 3 Percent militia members, Flat Earth Society members, Justin Bieber Is a Reptile conspirators, and the Proud Boys who were looking to beat the crap out of any protesting liberals until refrained by the police.

Surely, we can expect all of them and more to show up at the Lincoln Memorial the evening of July Fourth when the president will highlight an hour-long dazzling prime time spectacle by giving, as he tweeted, “ ... an address by your favorite President, me!”

As Trump himself implied when announcing the July Fourth celebration, his mere presence will set off a mind-blowing pyrotechnical spectacle guaranteed to supersede even the time my Uncle Rufus hovered over a lit Roman candle to see why it wouldn’t blast off — God rest his soul.

Trump’s July Fourth celebration will even include a military flyover which is lucky for Iran. It’s rumored that, despite Fox News’ Sean Hannity’s order to “bomb the hell out of them (Iranians),” the president defied Hannity’s command at the last minute so as to have more planes available for his holiday flyover.

If you’re one of the lucky ones who gets the opportunity to attend this glorious event, you’ll no doubt be packing along a few holiday celebration essentials. Of course, nearly everyone will have an American flag made in China which he or she can proudly wave each time Trump shouts “fake news” or “lock her up.”

Picnickers will no doubt pack their baskets with some of the 150 million hot dogs, 700 million pounds of chicken, and $1.6 billion worth of beer normally consumed in the nation over the Fourth.

In addition to the usual fun stuff that you can haul to the Lincoln Memorial, why not visit one of the many online stores carrying Trump products beforehand and stock up on some truly outstanding and unique items to take to the big party?

You can purchase the limited edition NO COLLUSION mug while supplies last, printed with Trump’s post-Mueller report tweet: “No collusion. No obstruction. Complete and total exoneration. Keep America Great.” Or maybe you would prefer the WITCH HUNT! mug. My favorite is the “I love waking up and remembering that Donald Trump is president” mug. Your choice, $30.

If you prefer something to hold your cold beverages at the picnic, you can order a NO COLLUSION koozie. And for farmers who are short on cash due to Trump’s tariffs, there’s the NO COLLUSION decal for just $9.

After all that flag waving and shouting “CNN sucks!” at the new and improved July Fourth bash, you’ll probably want to head home and relax. That’s why I suggest getting yourself a $55 Trump Provincial Lavender & Sandalwood Candle along with a $20 bottle of Trump Signature Citrus Mango Body Wash at trumpstore.com. Then you’ll be all set for a soothing end to your Independence Day festivities.

As a sea of red MAGA hats floods the National Mall next week to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the very reason for the July Fourth holiday, many observers will appreciate the irony of it all. Here are the Trump faithful hoping to catch a glimpse of the nation’s commander in chief who just a few weeks earlier proclaimed he would sell America’s independence down the river to a foreign adversary to gain personal power and wealth.

In a televised interview, President Trump said that he would compromise himself and the nation’s independence by making a Faustian bargain with our enemies if it would help him win re-election.

Trump said if “they” have information “I think I’d take it.” By “they” did he mean any country — Russia, North Korea, China, perhaps even Iran? Wouldn’t that be a bit like Thomas Jefferson accepting dirt from the British on his political rival Alexander Hamilton?

For a man whose intellectual depth appears to be equivalent to paddling around in the baby pool, this comment is a new species of stunningly stupid. Trump of all people, as the self-proclaimed master of the art of the deal, should know that you do not get something for nothing. So in exchange for any dirt, what price would he be willing to pay?

The president can scream “NO COLLUSION” in all caps on all the mugs, koozies, and decals he wants. But when he admits that he would conspire with any country to violate our election laws, that clearly screams “COLLUSION” to many.

The crux of all this is the juxtaposition of the president standing up there next week on the stage amongst all the patriotic hoopla, hugging the flag and spouting off about “making the country great, greater, and greatest,” opposed to what he said three weeks ago about colluding with our adversaries: “I think I’d take it.”

That whole scene causes my beautiful July Fourth Roman candle to fizzle out as a dud.

Mike Murphy of Pocatello is an award-winning columnist whose articles are syndicated by Senior Wire. He recently published a book titled “Tortoise Crossing — Expect Long Delays,” which is a collection of 100 of his favorite columns. It is available on Amazon.com.